How To Irritate Your Waitress. A List.

1. Be teenagers.
2. Be old.
3. Be...well I better not say this one. It'll just get me in trouble.
4. Tell me you're ready to order and then proceed to discuss every single thing on the menu with the person or people you're out to dinner with. (I understand people have questions about the menu. If you'd like to discuss the menu with ME, I'm more than willing to do this. I also don't mind coming back when you're REALLY ready to order.)
5. Tell me you don't want anything to drink. Just water. (Since when is water not something to drink?)
6. Try to talk to me from your table while I'm talking to another table. (Really, this one shouldn't even have to go on the list but...you'd be surprised.)
7. We print a menu for a reason. Please don't try to play swippy-swappy with all the side dishes and this's and that's. (Actually, this one doesn't apply to me since I work at Outback. We have a "no rules approach" so we'll totally hook you up with pretty much whatever you want and we really will do it willingly and I can pretty much guarantee you won't pay extra or at least not too much. Yeah, Outback's that cool.)
8. If you don't want dessert, it's really OK. Really. You don't need to apologize. I mostly ask because they tell me too. Oh and because we have the freaking BEST chocolate sauce on the planet.
9. When the first thing you order is silverware, that's annoying. You don't even have any food on your table. Settle down. I promise I won't make you eat your steak with your hands.
10. If you change your mind on what you'd like to eat, that's totally fine. But could you please wait til I've finished talking to the person I'm currently talking to? (Really, didn't we learn this in, like, 8th grade or something?)
11. If you change your mind again, it really is OK. After all, you want to get your money's worth!
12. Don't have a conversation with me that starts with "so what if we couldn't pay?"
13. Sitting in my section that only consists of three tables to begin with for FOUR HOURS will seriously irritate me. I understand you work together and, therefore, don't get to see each other Every. Single. Day. but when you're my first table of my shift and you're still there when I get cut at the end of my shift, that's just rude. At least tip me well to somewhat compensate.
14. Obviously, I'm gonna have to talk about tipping. This part is more of a survey. How many of you go out to eat with a pretty good idea of how you're gonna tip? Regardless of service. Obviously, really bad service is going to get less of a tip. But I really believe that unless I leave your drinks completely empty all night, you're gonna tip me the same no matter what.
15. And speaking of tips. Verbal tips don't feed my children. Yes, I LOVE to hear, "you were so great! Thank you so much! You're the best waitress we've ever had!!! Here's your 5% tip!" but I make $2.13 an hour. Which pays my taxes. So...y'know.
16. Stiffing me is obviously going to irritate me/make me hope you wrap your car around a tree on the way home, causing your airbag to go off and therefore make you puke up your entire dinner. If you can't afford to eat out, go to McDonald's. Or Sizzler.
17. Please don't try to get free stuff. If your meal really wasn't good, that's one thing. But when you eat everything except one tiny bite and I then tell me it was no good...that's lame.
18. What's the deal with not wanting ice in your drinks? So many people are doing this lately! Am I missing something???

OK, now it's your turn. Tell me all the ways that I, your server, can irritate you.

Guess What I Found??

The melted phone! I set it in a pan after I took it out of the oven and put cold water in it. I thought I'd thrown it away but when I went to do the dishes, there it was!!

Some of you asked if the potatoes were ruined and the answer is, no. I was only pre-heating the oven so I hadn't put them in yet. Thanks for your concern.

This is the back.

The Post That Almost Was

My friend Shanna did a post about her oven rebelling against new and alien foods being placed in it and I commented on that post which then inspired me to make my comment be my own blog post. (Whew! Was that the longest run-on sentence ever, or what??!!)

I wanted to post about Harley and his oven escapades. (Yes, more escapading.) I wanted to tell about how he LOVES to put things in the oven (including himself, at times) (ok, so he mostly just stands on the door but when I say "he puts himself in the oven", it sounds funnier) and how I always have to check inside before I heat it up to make sure there are no treasures in there.

I was going to tell about how last night, I heated up the oven for the funeral potatoes I made to go along with the ribs I (helped) made for Tavis's birthday dinner. (When it's my birthday, we go out. When it's his birthday, I have to cook. Blah.) But I didn't check this time.

I wanted to tell about how we all know the smell of burning plastic is unmistakable and that when I opened the oven door I saw Harley's Lightning McQueen cel phone in there, all bubbled up.

I wanted to tell you all of these things but when I went to take a picture of the phone I realized I must have thrown it away, already.

So never mind.

Random, I Guess?

Today is the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my dad alive. I'm kind of a wreck these days. The one year anniversary of his passing is rapidly approaching and it's gotten me all in a state.

Harley says the funniest things. Seriously, I know I say it a lot, but that kid is so freaking CUTE!!!

Any time we go over a bump in the road or a door slams or whatever he yells, "GEEZ, CAR!!" or "GEEZ DOOR!!!" So the other day we were in church and the deacons were handing the bread trays up to the priests. They clanged together and in the midst of the quiet Sacrament meeting Harley yells, "GEEZ BREAD!!!" A ha ha ha!!

The next Sunday, (last week) the passing of the Sacrament began and he says at full voice level, "EH WATER, COMIN'?" I whisper, "no, baby, it's the bread." Harley, "BREAD COMIN'?" Then after he takes his one piece he says, "I WANT MORE SAMMICH."

Remember when I told you about the old guy we scraped off the street? (Did I mention this guy was freaking ninety-two years old??) Well, a week later Harley and I went to his house to check on him and take him and his wife some cookies. We pulled up to the house and my TWO YEAR OLD says, "eh guy? Owie, eh head?" I know, right?? Just proving once again that he's kind of the coolest kid ever to have graced this earth.

School started and I guess I'm relieved. It's nice to be back on a schedule. After a rough first day for the boys things are looking like it's gonna be a good year. Did I already say the part about Tav's son living with us? He's 16. A junior. I was nervous at first, I won't lie. But it's been a lot better than I thought it would be. He helps a ton with babysitting Harley. And he and Hayden get along pretty good. My girl is left out a bit, so I need to make sure I give her as much of my time as possible.

And good things are happening around here.

That's it, I guess. Peace!

This One's For You, Karma

(Don't worry. I've fallen behind on the laundry again.)

The other day I was out and about with my kids. I turned right, heading home, and then decided I wanted to go to the Verizon store to talk to them about my keypad wiggin' out. To get to Verizon I had to turn around. I turned down one street, then another, then another. On the third street I thought to myself, "why did I go down this street? I don't want to be on this street."

Just then I saw something that I wasn't sure I was really seeing. It was a man laying in the road. Y'know how sometimes it takes your eyes a couple seconds to decide if you're really seeing what you think you're seeing? Yeah, like that. So I pull over and tell Hayden to come help me. He was confused and I told him there was a man in the street back there! Of course he jumped out, eager to help (and by "help" I mean "get in on the action" but I wanted him to be a part of this).

The wind was blowing a storm in. Hard. It was only 60 degrees outside. The man had been taking his trash out when a gust came up and grabbed the trash can and him and knocked them both to the ground. I helped him sit up and he started scooting to the side of the road. He wanted to get up but I didn't think he should. His head was bleeding and running down his neck. I know enough medical stuff (after all, I did answer the phone in a radiology department for 3 years) to know that heads bleed a lot. If he hadn't been elderly I probably wouldn't have been as worried as I was. Finally his wife came outside and was all "oh no, not again!" We helped him stand up and I called an ambulance. By this time the rain was coming down and the wind continued. We got him to the garage and seated on a chair.

I was still talking to the dispatch lady and she told me she wanted me to stop the bleeding. I had Hayden run to the car to find some napkins but he couldn't find any. I ran over to the car and grabbed a (clean) diaper. Hey, they're absorbent, right? Slapped the diaper on his head and waited.

The paramedics got there and took over. They were so impressed with the diaper!!! YAY ME!! The one dude said that it was the most clever thing he'd ever seen! (I seriously learned that in like 7th grade health class. That and maxi pads.) They decided he was ok enough for his wife to take him to the hospital rather than ride in the ambulance.

I learned a week later when I stopped by to see him that he got 8 stitches and he'd be getting them out the next day.

OK, so here comes the Karma part!!

This past weekend I was on my way to Kohl's to get Harley some church clothes. (Actually, I was going to get him some "shiny pants". The kid LOVES his "shiny shoes". He's been wanting them for weeks because dad has them.) I got all the way to the store, looked around for my wallet and realized I had left it home. DAMMIT!!!

I started driving home when Tavis called me. He asked if I was missing something. I'm like, "yes! Did I leave my wallet home?" He's all, "uh no. You left it on your car and some guy just brought it to the house."

HOLY CRAP!!! I had just worked the night before so I had a bit of cash in there. Not to mention my ID and credit cards. But everything was still there. Untouched.

So thank you, Karma, for not screwing me like you usually do. It's about freakin' time!!!

The Update You've All Been Waiting For

Recently my friend Annette Lyon posted on her Facebook that she was going to sort the laundry that was on her great room floor and DeNae was able to point out the post I did about laundry that was "so disturbing, so terrifying, it will torment you in your dreams" and Annette is still probably sleeping with the lights on. So I took matters into my own hands (as opposed to say...someone else's hands) and I got the situation handled!

Remember this?

Well get a LOAD (Get it? LOAD?) of THIS!!!!

Please stop staring at how lame and stupid my laundry "room" is. My house is old, k? The picture is supposed to depict the marked absence of clothes on the floor. It's been almost two years since that post but people, my laundry is DONE. Done, done. Washed, dried, put away. D.O.N.E. Do you know how long it's been since I've had every stitch of laundry done? Stop guessing, you're embarrassing yourself. YEARS. Literally years!!! Even before that picture above was taken. Let's see...I moved into this house four years ago and I think I did pretty good for the first six months. So, ya, since then.

I won't lie, it's a great feeling. I'm sure it's helped that Hayden and Avery have been at their dad's for a couple weeks. But at least it's done! I'm making us all go naked from now on so I never have to do laundry again. (Now we can't stop puking every time we look at each other, though. And when we're not puking, we're pointing and laughing. It's a trade-off.)

Having all my laundry done does have its drawbacks, though:

I don't have any hangers left. Which is just as well since I can't squeeze one more shirt in there, anyway.

The shelf in my closet, where I put my pants and shorts is piled to the ceiling.

Sock drawers are filled to capacity.

This is Hayden's shorts drawer, overflowing.

The towel closet is completely full and I've had to put towels in other places.

So, DeNae and Annette, I hope you can sleep peacefully tonight. Of course, it will require you to get the image of my naked family out of your heads. Sweet dreams!

A Story

So the other day I was getting Avery and Harley in the tub together. Avery got in first and I told her to start getting her hair wet so we could wash it.

Being the 9 year-old girl that she is, I figured she freak if Harley peed in the tub like he ALWAYS does the second the little thing touches the warm water. I don't usually worry too much when he pees in his own bath because his pee is still baby pee. Not something you'd want on you but certainly not something to wig out over. But she's NINE. And a GIRL. So I had to do everything I could to make sure tub-peeage (thanks for the work, DeNae!)did not occur.

I had him stand next to the tub while the water ran to encourage him to go in his diaper. Then I took his diaper off and aired the little bugger out in the hopes that the air and the water would inspire him to go outside the tub.

Next, I put him on the potty to try to get him to pee before I put him in. (It should be noted that he has never peed on the potty. Never, ever. But I thought I'd get extra credit from Avery if it looked like I at least tried to make sure he didn't pee in her bath.) After about two minutes of sitting, he said he was done.

After about 3 or 4 minutes I decide that I've done all I could do to prevent him from peeing anywhere near her bathwater. I get him off the pot, turn around to set him in and see my NINE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER sitting in a yellow pool.

"What the hell???" Say I. "Did you pee in the tub?"

Avery literally started to shake her head "no" but quickly realize she was SURROUNDED by evidence and nodded, sheepishly.

Very Under Control Mom: "WHY HAVE YOU PEED IN THE TUB???????"

Mortified Child: Quietly, "I don't know."

VUCM: "YOU'RE NINE YEARS OLD!!! YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE PEEING IN THE TUB!!!"

VUCM: "Do you always pee in your bath?"

MC: Shakes head, no.

VUCM: "Tell me the truth."

MC: "Sometimes"

VUCM: "Munchkin, you can not pee in the tub! Maybe, under the most dyer of circumstances, when you absolutely can not hold it, you can pee in the shower. But, really, not even then. And NEVER in the bath!!!!!"

So we drained the water, cleaned the tub and the toys, and got them both back in. And they bathed happily ever after.