Monday, October 4, 2010

How To Irritate Your Waitress. A List.

  1. Be teenagers.
  2. Be old.
  3. Be...well I better not say this one. It'll just get me in trouble.
  4. Tell me you're ready to order and then proceed to discuss every single thing on the menu with the person or people you're out to dinner with. (I understand people have questions about the menu. If you'd like to discuss the menu with ME, I'm more than willing to do this. I also don't mind coming back when you're REALLY ready to order.)
  5. Tell me you don't want anything to drink. Just water. (Since when is water not something to drink?)
  6. Try to talk to me from your table while I'm talking to another table. (Really, this one shouldn't even have to go on the list'd be surprised.)
  7. We print a menu for a reason. Please don't try to play swippy-swappy with all the side dishes and this's and that's. (Actually, this one doesn't apply to me since I work at Outback. We have a "no rules approach" so we'll totally hook you up with pretty much whatever you want and we really will do it willingly and I can pretty much guarantee you won't pay extra or at least not too much. Yeah, Outback's that cool.)
  8. If you don't want dessert, it's really OK. Really. You don't need to apologize. I mostly ask because they tell me too. Oh and because we have the freaking BEST chocolate sauce on the planet.
  9. When the first thing you order is silverware, that's annoying. You don't even have any food on your table. Settle down. I promise I won't make you eat your steak with your hands.
  10. If you change your mind on what you'd like to eat, that's totally fine. But could you please wait til I've finished talking to the person I'm currently talking to? (Really, didn't we learn this in, like, 8th grade or something?)
  11. If you change your mind again, it really is OK. After all, you want to get your money's worth!
  12. Don't have a conversation with me that starts with "so what if we couldn't pay?"
  13. Sitting in my section that only consists of three tables to begin with for FOUR HOURS will seriously irritate me. I understand you work together and, therefore, don't get to see each other Every. Single. Day. but when you're my first table of my shift and you're still there when I get cut at the end of my shift, that's just rude. At least tip me well to somewhat compensate.
  14. Obviously, I'm gonna have to talk about tipping. This part is more of a survey. How many of you go out to eat with a pretty good idea of how you're gonna tip? Regardless of service. Obviously, really bad service is going to get less of a tip. But I really believe that unless I leave your drinks completely empty all night, you're gonna tip me the same no matter what.
  15. And speaking of tips. Verbal tips don't feed my children. Yes, I LOVE to hear, "you were so great! Thank you so much! You're the best waitress we've ever had!!! Here's your 5% tip!" but I make $2.13 an hour. Which pays my taxes. So...y'know.
  16. Stiffing me is obviously going to irritate me/make me hope you wrap your car around a tree on the way home, causing your airbag to go off and therefore make you puke up your entire dinner. If you can't afford to eat out, go to McDonald's. Or Sizzler.
  17. Please don't try to get free stuff. If your meal really wasn't good, that's one thing. But when you eat everything except one tiny bite and I then tell me it was no good...that's lame.
  18. What's the deal with not wanting ice in your drinks? So many people are doing this lately! Am I missing something???

OK, now it's your turn. Tell me all the ways that I, your server, can irritate you.