Monday, October 4, 2010

How To Irritate Your Waitress. A List.

  1. Be teenagers.
  2. Be old.
  3. Be...well I better not say this one. It'll just get me in trouble.
  4. Tell me you're ready to order and then proceed to discuss every single thing on the menu with the person or people you're out to dinner with. (I understand people have questions about the menu. If you'd like to discuss the menu with ME, I'm more than willing to do this. I also don't mind coming back when you're REALLY ready to order.)
  5. Tell me you don't want anything to drink. Just water. (Since when is water not something to drink?)
  6. Try to talk to me from your table while I'm talking to another table. (Really, this one shouldn't even have to go on the list'd be surprised.)
  7. We print a menu for a reason. Please don't try to play swippy-swappy with all the side dishes and this's and that's. (Actually, this one doesn't apply to me since I work at Outback. We have a "no rules approach" so we'll totally hook you up with pretty much whatever you want and we really will do it willingly and I can pretty much guarantee you won't pay extra or at least not too much. Yeah, Outback's that cool.)
  8. If you don't want dessert, it's really OK. Really. You don't need to apologize. I mostly ask because they tell me too. Oh and because we have the freaking BEST chocolate sauce on the planet.
  9. When the first thing you order is silverware, that's annoying. You don't even have any food on your table. Settle down. I promise I won't make you eat your steak with your hands.
  10. If you change your mind on what you'd like to eat, that's totally fine. But could you please wait til I've finished talking to the person I'm currently talking to? (Really, didn't we learn this in, like, 8th grade or something?)
  11. If you change your mind again, it really is OK. After all, you want to get your money's worth!
  12. Don't have a conversation with me that starts with "so what if we couldn't pay?"
  13. Sitting in my section that only consists of three tables to begin with for FOUR HOURS will seriously irritate me. I understand you work together and, therefore, don't get to see each other Every. Single. Day. but when you're my first table of my shift and you're still there when I get cut at the end of my shift, that's just rude. At least tip me well to somewhat compensate.
  14. Obviously, I'm gonna have to talk about tipping. This part is more of a survey. How many of you go out to eat with a pretty good idea of how you're gonna tip? Regardless of service. Obviously, really bad service is going to get less of a tip. But I really believe that unless I leave your drinks completely empty all night, you're gonna tip me the same no matter what.
  15. And speaking of tips. Verbal tips don't feed my children. Yes, I LOVE to hear, "you were so great! Thank you so much! You're the best waitress we've ever had!!! Here's your 5% tip!" but I make $2.13 an hour. Which pays my taxes. So...y'know.
  16. Stiffing me is obviously going to irritate me/make me hope you wrap your car around a tree on the way home, causing your airbag to go off and therefore make you puke up your entire dinner. If you can't afford to eat out, go to McDonald's. Or Sizzler.
  17. Please don't try to get free stuff. If your meal really wasn't good, that's one thing. But when you eat everything except one tiny bite and I then tell me it was no good...that's lame.
  18. What's the deal with not wanting ice in your drinks? So many people are doing this lately! Am I missing something???

OK, now it's your turn. Tell me all the ways that I, your server, can irritate you.


Kristina P. said...

You can irritate me by pulling up a chair, and sitting down with me like you're my BFF.

I mean YOU could do that (maybe), but some random server, no.

M-Cat said...

I have duly noted all the items on your list, although, I will say I think I'm a pretty good dinner patron.

The only ish I have with a server is when I ask for A-1 an it never comes. I can't eat my steak without it. Some places I can see it at the servers station and will walk over and get it myself, but I get ticked about it

AS Amber said...

Yes! We have A-1 at the station thingies but you should def not have to get it yourself. Having dined with you both, I'd say you're both great dinner patrons!

We have a dude at Outback who pulls up a chair & gets all BFF on people. Luckily he tells them his name is Drac so it makes it less awkward.

Kazzy said...

I really try to be a good customer at restaurants, but I have eaten out with people that embarrass me to no end.

wendy said...

Oh Amber, I wish I could come to Outback and SHOW you what an awesome customer I'd be, and good tipper (since especially it is YOU) and I'd be all polite and ask you if you needed any help etc........

I was married to my first husband who did not believe in tips, and it embarrased the hell out of me. Such a cheap ass.

Second huband tipped REALLY well, (unless you were totally lame) and it was amazing to me the compassion he felt for waitresses and even bus boys.

Current husband is in the middle. He will tip pretty well if he feels the service warranted it. Sometimes after he leaves a tip, I look at it and have been know to throw in another couple of dollars.

I think at busy places and busy times waitress run their BUTTS I hate impatient rude customers.

soooo, what do I NOT like about a waitress, ones who tend to talk too much and come back like every 2 seconds to see if you are "satisfied".

BUT, I bet you'd win waitress of the year and when I come home for Thanksgiving, maybe I'll have to HUNT you down at OUTBACK!!!

DeNae said...

Kazzy and I actually ate at an Outback together here in Vegas, and that waiter was the POSTER DUDE for everything annoying in a server: Interrupted conversation - and by that I mean he hadn't even come to a full stop at the table, so it wasn't like we were making him wait; let the DC run dry (as far as I'm concerned, that alone should be punishable by death); got the orders wrong and blamed the customer (I love it when a server tells me "You didn't order that". As my sister Amber says, you have a printed menu, and I read what I wanted right off of it. How the hell could I have made a mistake??); and gave us static about dividing the check - in two. (I know that can be annoying, but it was "these two people sitting by each other - and everybody else". I have a hard time seeing how that's a particularly complicated equation.)

And because we stayed longer than it took us to eat our meal, we did, in fact, leave an extra tip. So we were the more righteous ones.

AS Amber said...

Oh my heck at Outback it's soooooo easy to split a check! He's a big dummy jerk for throwing a fit about it. You're very kind for leaving an extra tip. Sounds like he didn't deserve it. Which I'm also a believer in. If I don't deserve a fantastic tip (As IF!!!) then don't give me one.

And I seriously believe that my tip 100% depends on drinks staying full. I could drop your filet on your lap, pick it up, wipe it off under my arm and put it back on your plate. And as long as your drink didn't run dry, you'd still tip me the same.

InkMom said...

My brother served his mission in Germany, and when he came home, he no longer took ice in his soda. I give him a hard time about it all the time, but he swears it's better at room temperature. He says on ice, all you taste is the "cold" and you can't really get all the nuances of the flavor unless it's a little warm.

He's a weirdo.

And I can't you believe you didn't say anything about leaving a huge crumby mess under the table because your children are slobs. That's the kind of patron I am. But I am also the kind of patron who tips 20% for a bad server, and it will only go up from there is you're good at your job, and are you the one who has to sweep up the mess anyway? I hope not!

Laurel said...

Okay, let me just tell you that here in Singapore the tips are included in EVERYTHING! No more deciding and getting out my phone app for tipping. In fact here it's rude to tip!
ALl that ice that people are NOT getting please send to me because in some places I need to pay extra for ice, sometimes by the cube! Seriously they count!
My only problem with servers is when they have a thick accent and I can't understand them or they seem like they have better things to do then serve me! YOU are at work, so do some!

Vanessa said...

Please don't spit in my food.

And don't name yourself after a vampire. That dude at your restaurant bugs.

annie valentine said...

I am never eating at your restaurant again. You would HATE ME.

Emma said...

So true.... The only thing that I don't like is when the waitress just gives you your meal and asks if its good......HMMM let me have a bite first! lol.

T said...

haha - laughing because I just got back from taking my 8 year old out to lunch. Ordered more than I should have eaten because her meal was free (and I was feeling bad about only ordering soup)

I probably annoyed the waitress when I took a phone call when she brought my girl a balloon (seriously, I shouldn't have) but I made up for it with a good tip at least.. now I'm glad because I would have been embarrassed to read this otherwise.

T said...

oh wait... I thought of one... but it's not really a server problem.

when my soup comes (but my daughter's meal doesn't have soup) so I eat it and give her the oyster crackers... then her pizza comes... and as she's finishing up my chicken tortellini is finally ready... it's really not that fun for us to watch each other eat.

Cravings said...

I only got to #1 and could not stop laughing!!! I always say out of ANYONE I hate serving teenagers the worse!!! Your lucky if you get 10%, usually NOTHING!!!

Cravings said...

You freaking kill me Amber!!! Only a server truly understands and gets all of those. Hilarious but so so true!!!

Sue said...

Hello! Thanks for stopping and reading my blog. It's always nice to meet new people.

Oh, I was a waitress for a few years so I could relate to pretty much all you wrote. To add another one...
"Yes, we have take-out."
"No, I am not on the menu so therefore you cannot take me out!"

That really did happen to me! Another time a guy asked me to close my eyes because he wanted to see how I applied my eye shadow. When I closed my eyes he gave me a kiss! It might have been ok if he was cute...

How about when those kids thing it is funny to loosen the lids to the salt and pepper shakers? And then the customer gets mad at the waitress like it was her fault! (Back when I waited on tables, we had bus boys...)

Anyway, nice to meet you. My Bro-in-law managed an Outback's up in SLC for a few years. Now he is in Louisianna managing a Bonefish.



Mackenzie said...

I feel bad.. Cause when I go out to eat.. I'm especially picky.. And I get sooo irritated at certain things, because I know how easy it is when you apply yourself!! I HATE cheasy fake servers!! I'm a little fake, cause no one wants a crabby server.. But c'mon!! I hate it when a sever talks about themselves forever... I don't know you.. I didn't initiate conversation.. And I certainly don't care that your boyfriend likes gardening because he is a Gemini! I hate it when adults order off the kid menu... I hate it when a customer will flag you down.. Or snap.. I will claw your eyes out. I hate it when I greet my table... And say "Hi, how are you all doing tonig...."...the interrupt by saying.. "just water" without even making eye contact!!