Funny Things My Kids Have Said

I hope you all had a happy and safe New Year's Eve. We did. Tavis and I were talking last night and we decided that the only really good thing that happened in 2008 was having Harley. The rest of the year can kiss our...well let's just hope 2009 is much better.
OK, for a long time I've thought I need to jot down the funny things my kids say or I'll forget them. Until now, I didn't really have a place to put 'em. I know, I could get a journal, but...snore! So, here's couple stories for your reading enjoyment. You're welcome.

When Avery was 4 she would come in my room every morning (I was single at the time) (that has nothing to do with this story, just thought I'd throw that in there.) and ask me to fix her a waffle.

So one morning she came in and got in bed with me (maybe the single part applies here. No? Huh. OK.) and says, "mama? Will you fix me a..." and I interrupted her and whispered in her ear, "fix me a waffle?"

She said, "I can't fix you a waffle!"

Me: "Why not?"

Avery: "Because. I'm a baby girl (that's what I call her..."baby girl") and you're a grown-up. You have the BIG eyes and REAL glasses and you dwive (she still can't say her "r's"). And I'm a goowl (how do you type "girl" with the "w" sound?) and I cwy a lot so, I'm a baby girl".

Moving on a couple of months:

When Tavis and I were dating he lived in a cabin at Sundance. It's absolutely beautiful there and was an awesome place to fall in love. I lived in Tooele (for those of you who're not from Utah...Vodka Mom, Jen, that's about 35 miles west of SLC and is pronounced to-ILL-ah. It's Native American. Yeah.) and he was working in Logan (that's like...a lot of miles north of Salt Lake and Sundance is where Robert Redford has his resort) so we'd meet each other on the weekends at his cabin and have little, mini vacays. It was awesome! So the first time I introduced my kids to Tavis, we went to the cabin for the weekend. It was in October. Tavis taught Hayden how to fish. We did a "haunted train ride" on the Heber Creeper. We roasted marshmallows on the deck. It was way fun.

So Saturday morning, Tavis and I were downstairs and the kids were upstairs. We could hear them start to wake up and talk a little and all of a sudden..."SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!! ....thud, thud, thud, thud, thud". Have you ever seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? At the end when Clark has a squirrel on his back and his dad yells, "squirrel!!"? That's what it sounded like. Then footsteps running to the glass sliding door that led out to the deck. My city-slicker son was seeing a squirrel for the first time up close and personal. It was one of the funniest things we've ever heard. (Side note: my kids really are city kids. On our way up the canyon Avery was literally scared of the trees. Literally.)

OK, moving on:

When Tavis and I got married we each had a queen-sized bed. We put mine in Avery's room and put Tav's in our room. As time went by Tavis decided that he hated our mattress and liked Avery's better. He wanted to switch mattresses. So one morning Avery came and got in bed with me (not single now. Did you pick up on that?) and said, "why is your bed more comfortable than mine?"

I said, "dad actually likes your bed better. He wants to switch our beds."

Avery said so sweetly, and innocently and EMPHATICALLY, "I'm not sleeping with Tavis!!!".

One more:

When I was pregnant with Harley I was trying to explain to my kids how big the baby was, what he looked like, etc. I worked in an x-ray department at a hospital for a couple of years and I'd seen many a fetus on ultrasound and I knew what each stage of development looked like. So I was telling the kids that the baby was about the size of a gummy bear and that it actually looked a lot like a gummy bear. With little arm buds and leg buds.

Avery: "You should swallow a gummy bear. Like don't chew it. And when it gets into your tummy the baby will be all 'Hiiiiiiii. Wanna be friends?' And then the baby would be say, 'hey! Hey you! Why won't you talk to me?'"

Actually, the story of when I told the kids I was pregnant is kind of a cute story. What? You're bored with stories about my kids? Tough.

Tavis was out of town when I found out I was pregnant. I like to take the kids to dinner when he's gone because he doesn't like to eat out and I don't like to cook. On our way to the restaurant I asked the kids if they thought 9 months was a long time or a short time. "Long time". School had just started like 3 or 4 weeks earlier so I asked them if they thought the end of the school year (as I was due May 30th) was a long time away or a short time. "Long time." So I decided to forget telling them for a "long time". We went to the kids' favorite place to eat. A Chinese buffet because they can get 25 refills on their egg-drop soup. And have some sweet and sour chicken, too. At the end of our meal we got our fortune cookies. Mine and Hayden's were lame. But Avery's said, "A short stranger will soon come into your life with blessings to share". Huh. I asked the kids if babies were short or tall. "Short."

Me: "I'm having one."

Kids: "Having what?"

Me: "A baby."

Hayden: "Are you serious? Are you? You are? Are you serious?"

Avery (who was already sitting next to me): "I wanna talk to it." (lays her head on my tummy) "Hi baby. How are you?"

Seriously, it was one of the sweetest moments I've ever had with my older babies. Being pregnant while having two older kids was really fun. They were so interested in what baby was doing. They went with us for the ultrasound when we found out the gender. I could tell it was a boy (either because I'd seen so many ultrasounds or because...y'know...it was that obvious...or both) before the doctor even told us it was a boy. Hayden was so excited. Tavis and Avery both cried. Same reason. Different emotions. She was PIS**D!!! But not to worry. She loves her baby brother soooo much!

Thanks for reading to the end. My kids have pretty dang awesome senses of humor so I'm sure there will be more to amuse you (and by "you" I mean "me").