Monday, March 15, 2010

It WaS HITting Everything BUT The Fan!!!

Alright, people. This post is going to contain a lot of TMI. Seriously. A. Lot.

I LOVE TMI!!! Love it, I tell ya! I live for it! I love everything from child-birth to periods to bowel movements to **sex** (not tons of details, just generalities) to toenail fungus to...to...to...well, I love it all. And I want to hear it all. And, my friends, I tend to share it all.

Last Tuesday I got up and had my morning movement. Typically my #2 is round and pebbley (which I learned later wasn't the way it's supposed to be. But it's always been that way so I'm not going to worry about it.) and I'm able to (if need be) give a courtesy flush. This time, however, it came out in one long piece. Not allowing for the courtesy flush. Then, like I always do, I used too much TP. Tavis gets so frustrated with me because I use a ton of toity. But I can't risk having a finger break through!!! Hayden and I use waaaaay too much. Avery, on the other hand, uses like half a square which is just gross.

So I flush. And the toilet makes that sound that we all know. The sure sound that it's not going down. It fills up. Then slowly drains down. The...um...culprit, however did go down. So what I'm left with is a wad of T.P. at the bottom of the toilet with no water in it. You got the visual? A few minutes go by and I flush again. Again with the filling of the toilet.

Crap.

Again it drains slowly down while I go get the plunger. Flush again and plunge like crazy. The toilet fills up and this time it overflows! But during these couple of seconds of overflowing I think to myself, "well this sucks, but once the toilet stops filling it'll stop overflowing".

But guess what? This time the toilet doesn't stop filling. Y'know how your toilet will sometimes continue to run and you have to jiggle the handle? Well, that's fine as long as your toilet isn't clogged because it'll just drain as it fills. Yeaaaaahhh...not so much when there's a...um...thing in the pipes.

So the water keeps coming. I keep plunging. Water is filling my little half-bath.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!"

The water flows out of the bathroom, into the hall and into the kitchen which is right next to the bathroom. It covered half the kitchen floor. (Trust me, the thought of sh*t water on my kitchen floor is nauseating.) I tried to turn off the water to the toilet but it wouldn't turn! Luckily just one week prior Tavis showed me where the main shut off valve to our water was. (Conveniently located inside the heat vent next to the front door.) So I run and turn it off.

Ran downstairs to the laundry room to grab some dirty towels to sop up the water and Oh. My. Gosh. It's running in to my basement!!! We have a 6 ft crawl space under my house and the toilet water was running in to it.

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!"

Now I'm just at a loss as what the *h* to do! So I call Tav. Every husband wants to get a phone call from his frantic wife saying there's crap water all over the house. Luckily he was almost home. People, there was so much water on the floor that the towels wouldn't even touch it. Wouldn't even scratch the surface. I put three down on the bathroom floor and there was still literally 2 inches of water on the floor. Not to mention the totally soggy hall carpet and the half-inch of water on the kitchen floor.

So Tav gets home and we survey the scene. I've thrown away my hat that was on the floor. There's a bag of toilet paper in the garbage because it's soaked. Ironically, the toilet bowl cleaner pad thingies were floating around the toilet. And I've got an empty storage bin with the soaked towels in it.

"Where's the shop-vac?" I say to him.

"It's not meant to suck up THIS much water."

"THE CARPET CLEANER!!!!!"

So we got our carpet cleaner and started sucking up the water. It worked great! And came in very handy when it came time to clean the poop water out of the carpet in the hall. Although, let's be honest. Every time we walk past there, we're gonna remember. I find myself skirting around the area all the time. Even though he did a good job of steam cleaning it.

After all (most) the water was sucked up I Pine Sol-ed the hell outa that bathroom! And the kitchen! Did I mention my darling niece was on her way? Ya. Just as the mayhem was winding down, Vanessa got to my house. I went running out to greet her....."VANESSSSSSAAAAA!!!!!!! WE'RE HAVING A CRISIS!!!!!"

She called her mom to tell her she'd made it safely and started telling her what had happened. The story really could only be told first hand so I got on the phone with DeNae and told her all about it. First we laughed at how completely insane the story was and then at what our lives have become. Every crisis or trauma is....what? A BLOG POST!!!!! You know the whole time I was trying to shut off the toilet I was thinking, "I should grab a picture of this so I can blog about it". But I also thought, "pretty sure Tavis wouldn't see the great blog potential this story has and would probably be all...'get the poop water off the floor'". He's such a fun hater!!!

I have two other number 2 stories but this one is really long so I'll summarize: The next day I was changing a number 2 diaper of Harley's and took his pants off only to find number 2 all down his leg! Of course I'm not expecting to have number 2 outside the diaper so I'm not being careful and it get all over me! My leg, my hand, etc. I called Tav inside from the garage to help me with that one.

The day after that, Hayden and Harley were in the bath together (My older kids literally fight over who gets to bathe with Harley. He's just so dang CUTE in there!) and I was on the phone (a rare occasion as I really don't like to use my phone voice). Hayden starts screaming "MAMA!!!!! HARLEY POOPED IN THE TUB!!!!!"

Yep, he sure did. A lot.

14 comments:

Suzy said...

My toilet does this also. Leaves the tp wadded up at the bottom of the bowl. Fortunately the water has never overflowed. YET.

Emma said...

So funny.... I always use way more tp then most!!!!

val of the south said...

Your life is totally in the crapper!! Hilariously told as always...my kids still laugh about the poop in the tub experiences when they were younger.

your word ver is: angst I think it's on to you!

Vanessa said...

Oh Amber. Only you could tell that story and get away with it without all of us puking.

So sick.

M-Cat said...

I am dying laughing!! I am constatnly telling Luke to stop using so much damn toilet paper. And every since he came home from his mission, his crap has never been the same!

Kristina P. said...

Who are you people that know what your poop looks like?!!?

And I once clogged the toilet so bad, the plumber had to take the toilet off.

Sorry your life is crappy.

wendy said...

Well, things couldn't get much more shitty could they. (tee,hee) I can see it all now!!!!!!!!! I would have been laughing my guts out.
Nice poop btw.
My poops are like little rabbit droppings....well, you said YOU WANTED TO KNOW.

I remember after my first baby was born and I couldn't go poop for several days, then (as I was staying at my mom and dads) I went -------and WENT-------and my poor wonderful dad cleaned it all up as it clogged up the toilet as well. I was so embarrassed.
hey, here is a question for ya----maybe a blog post for ya----have you ever messed yourself due to diarrhea??
I've HEARD that happens to people sometimes.....(so I've heard)

I check your blog every day to see whats up --(or coming out) and that's because I love ya.
and little missy
in Canada we use 'THE QUEENS' english. They spell stuff with u's all the time. England and Canada are just weird.
or is that weiurd??

GreenJello said...

One of the things I am adamant about is that my kids know where the turnoff valve is for the toilet in case it starts overflowing. I hate cleaning up after toilet overflows!

Jessica said...

I have a son that belongs at your house. We, too, cleaned crap off the floor this weekend!

DeNae said...

This is a story that just gets better with the blogging. Vanessa thought it was hilarious, and so typical of our family. We aren't having fun unless we're having a crisis. And if it involves sh*t, either metaphorically or literally, well, that's the motherlode!!

Moody said...

Funny story! Glad I didn't have to live it though! And there is nothing grosser than poo in the bathwater imo.

Sher said...

Ba-hahaha!
Even thought I've heard this story first hand, it's still just as funny reading about it!

veronica said...

Oh Amber! I'm feeling your pain. That happened at our house, only it was the daughter of a friend that plugged the toilet. Her mom went in to help her and we thought they had taken care of it. Instead, they had turned off the light and shut the door. It wasn't until the next morning that we realized we had poop and water and soggy toilet paper running out of the bathroom into the hallway. UGH! I was SO disgusted and MAD!

tiburon said...

Amber can you forgive me if I am laughing over this one?!

Toilet issues are SOOO not in my job description!!!

Sorry! *But it was funny....*