Saturday, September 12, 2009

Spiritual Sunday

Here is the unedited version of my guest post on MMB. It's kinda long so feel free to skim or just "mark as read" and move on.

Have a great Sunday!! (And stay tuned for pictures of the CUTEST thing you've ever seen!!!)

I have been so blessed to have been born and raised in the Gospel. What a gift it was to have been sent to parents whose testimonies had already been set in stone. Their faith has always been unfaltering. I went to Primary every Sunday. I was baptized when I was 8. I went to Young Women's every week and I LOVED it. As I look at the youth of today (and even some of my sisters) I realize that the experience I had in the Youth program was quite rare. I lived for activities night. I counted the minutes til girls camp. And cried for a week after it was over. I loved my leaders. I loved my bishoprics. All (and I do mean ALL) of my friends were in my ward and I really, truly liked going to church. I wasn't a rebellious teenager. How could I be? I was diagnosed with cancer a month before I turned 17 and started my first treatment the day after my birthday. I had to be home-schooled for 3 months. I missed out on the dance team that I'd worked so hard to make and I was sick during the try-outs for my senior year. I only saw my friends at church and even then it was different. They didn't know how to act around me. So my parents became my best friends. It was their friendship that got me through that time of my life. And it was during that time that I gained my own set-in-stone testimony. I had a closer relationship with my Father in Heaven during that time than I've ever had. Up to and including now.

Two years after I was declared to be in remission, I relapsed. I was a year out of high school and had a steady boyfriend. We'd moved from my home "town" (more of a city than a town) to a new, literal, town. The odds were very much against my survival this time. This time I was FILLED with cancer. This time I was so incredibly sick. But this time I had my own testimony to draw upon. Don't get me wrong. My parents' faith was still going to get me through but now we were all armed with it. And after an amazing blessing from my former bishop (and another former bishop who died of cancer a year later), I started the 7 months of chemotherapy knowing I'd beat this cancer again.

And I did.

I finished my treatments three years to the day after I was diagnosed the very first time. I was now almost twenty. I'd had cancer twice. (It was Hodgkin's Disease, by the way. I don't think I said that yet.) Looking back, it's almost as if I opened my eyes on the day I was no longer a teenager and really began my life. My boyfriend and I had broken up the day before my birthday. I was cancer free. I was living in a new place. My dad was about to be my bishop. My mom and I were best friends. It was a great time in my life.

I met and married my first husband. We were married in the temple. We had two kids. We were best friends. Life really was good.

So why am I telling you all of this? I want to show just how BLESSED I have been. How much I've been given in my life. I don't think that what happened next can be understood unless you understand all I'd been blessed with. Because seven years after I got married (eight years after I "opened my eyes") I chose to give it all up. I chose to say, "thank you, Heavenly Father, for all You've done for me. For my good health, my beautiful babies, my really nice husband. But I'm going to take a pass for now."

My husband and I split up. I went on a path for the next several months that was in the complete opposite direction as the path I'd been on my whole life. I went from one end of the "spiritual spectrum" to the exact other end.

My actions led me to a disciplinary court. Where it was explained to me that if I were to change my ways, right then; recommit myself to the Lord then I would be able to keep my membership. I know the church doesn't like to excommunicate people. I know the Lord works in ways of love, not punishment. But I made the decision to throw it all away.

I was surprised at how much it really did affect me. At that point in my life I really thought I didn't need the Lord. I didn't need the church. I was "happy". But as I walked home from the church I cried and cried.

I had already felt the absence of the Holy Ghost. I wasn't as patient with my kids as I had once been. I was glad to have them be with their dad because I knew he was a much better parent for them than I was. Things weren't going well at my job. I was angry and hostile to my ex-husband when, really, he hadn't done anything wrong. But having it be official. Having the bishop tell me I was excommunicated just rocked me.

I went on with my life. I continued down that path for a time. But that eventually got old. I was ready to settle down again. I'd already changed my ways with my kids. I was back to being the kind of mom they needed. I had a new and much better job. I still was completely inactive but in my heart I still believed.

I met Tavis and married him 9 months later. He's the love of my life. We got married in May, 2006 and that following Thanksgiving, my dad had a heart attack. He didn't die but it shook me. A month or so after his heart attack he came to me and showed me a piece of paper. It was a list of all of his kids with our birthdates, date of sealing for my oldest sister, and our baptism dates. But next to my name it was blank. Blank. I was a blank line! He told me he wanted, more than anything, for that line to be filled in before he died.

Well, absolutely. Who knew how much time he had left? The chances of another heart attack after a first are really good. So I decided it was time. After several meetings with my bishop we got it figured out that I could be re-baptized. And the only thing it was really going to require of me was that I, y'know, go to church. Everything else in my life was back within the Gospel standards. We decided it would be the same day my 8 year old daughter was baptized. But an hour before hers as not to take anything away from her special day.

Boy did the adversary work on me! Tavis and I fought more than we ever had. I didn't want to go to church. It was so easy to find reasons not to go. But I knew why I was having those feelings. And I did my best to ignore them.

At my disciplinary council the bishopric took a long time to deliberate. Longer than I thought should be necessary, frankly. I knew I was ready. Why were they having such a hard time figuring it out?

My bishop came out of his office and told me he'd forgotten to give me the baptismal interview. (I'm not kidding.) After the interview he was quiet. He finally said, "do you think we're rushing this?"

My heart sank. I couldn't believe he was saying this. I had enough faith, though, to know that if he wasn't getting the confirmation he needed from the Lord then I'd just have to wait.

But I this is what I told him:"The only thing we're rushing is the paper-work. (Because of my wanting to do it the same day as my daughter.) During the last five years my life has gone down every possible road. But my faith, my testimony, has never faltered. I've never stopped believing in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Not one time. I most certainly stopped living it, but I never stopped loving it. My faith is not being rushed. My readiness is not being rushed. All that's being rushed is getting it down on paper."

So he went back in with his counselors and they deliberated again. He called me back in and delivered the most poignant speech I'd ever been given. He said, "Thank you for giving the Spirit time to work. I went from being unsure about your readiness to knowing without question that this is the time for you to be re-baptized. I'm not sure why it's now, but I received revelation that the Lord needs you back now. That NOW is the time for you. I know that in time it will be revealed to us just how important the timing of this is, but for now I just know that it's not by accident that you've chosen now to come back."

Wow. I was speechless.

Which was OK because one of the counselors had this to add, "First, I want to thank you for your courage. It can't have been easy to come and meet with four men you barely know (this was the first time I'd even laid eyes on this man), and put your faith in us. So, thank you. Next, I want to tell you that I've got a general testimony that God loves everyone. But tonight I received a testimony that God loves you. And I'm so thankful to have been in on this council so that I could gain that testimony."

So I was baptized the following Saturday. My dad baptized me when I was 8 and he baptized and confirmed me again. People kept asking if I was so excited??? And the correct answer, of course, was YES!!! But really? No. Because I didn't feel like anything was going to change. All it was was a piece of paper. But as was pointed out to me by a friend, the commitment would be stronger. And she was right. I was wrong to have down-played it so much. I didn't want a big thing. Your first baptism is something to celebrate, not your second. But when the day came, I was truly EXCITED!!! (And not just because my sisters had come from out of town to be there!) I came out of the water feeling a lot like I did on my 20th birthday. My life was really going to begin. Again.

I've got a beautiful baby boy, now. And what I want next is to be sealed to him. But for now, I'll bask in the peace that having the Holy Ghost back in my life has given me. I'll never take that peace for granted again. I'll never let my Heavenly Father down again. My faith is renewed. My commitment is stronger than ever. And my life is right where I want it to be!


Kristina P. said...

I'm so glad you posted this here. I love your story.

And who is this amazing friend you keep talking about? ;)

And I'm ready for Outback anytime!


Emma said...

I'm glad your a peace and feel like your back where you belong!

DeNae said...

Amber and I lost our dad unexpectedly on Saturday night. We are so grateful that he got his wish to see her back in the church, and had the privelege of baptising and confirming her.

Whoever and wherever you are, please let this be a reminder that life is short and unpredictable. Mend your relationships, starting with that between you and your Heavenly Father.

We love you all and thank you for your kindness and friendship.


Kristina P. said...

Amber, I am so sorry about your dad! I love you and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

KC Mom said...

Thank you for sharing your story of triumph. Your parents are great examples of loving their children and keeping the faith. What a truly glorious event. I'm so happy for you.

Chief said...

I can't believe I haven't found you before now. Your story is amazing, inspiring and strengthens my testimony. I too, have had a similar story to yours and it is true...your faith is stronger having seen the world without the spirit

Jessica said...

Beautiful story, Beautiful ending.

M-Cat said...

I'm crying AGAIN after reading it the second time. And knowing the significance of it's post today is overwhelming. There are no coincidences in life.

So glad your Dad had this beautiful opportunity with you and your family. What a blessing.

sending love your way

Kazzy said...

What a great story of rebirth! Thanks so much.

And so sorry about your dad. What a tragedy.

Erin said...

I read and loved this post when it was on MMB, and I wanted to let you know I am so sorry for your family's loss. What a loving family you are a part of.

Motherboard said...

Amber, I love you. You have experienced, first hand, God's Tender Mercies.

I love you and I'm here for you.


Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

I came here from your sister's blog.

How courageous you are to go through all you have and to come back. Congratulations. Your committment and faith has made an impression on me.

Bless you and your family in the loss of your dear Father. I hope you will always know you gave him the blessing he wanted more than anything else.

tammy said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Made me cry.

And I am so so sorry about your Dad.

Beka said...

I found you from DeNae's blog, too. I am sobbing, and I don't even know you. I just know that the spirit is so strong and I'm so touched. As my Grandma would say, "Bless your heart!"

What a touching story and I hope that your experience will bring you peace and comfort, in spite of being difficult.

The Perkins Post said...

I know the church is true, but thank you so much for sharing this, it truly helped build my testimony even more! You are an awesome person Amber and I am blessed to have met you through D'Laina.

Lisa said...


This is the first time I've read your blog; I came across it while reading DeNae's blog (whom I also surreptitiously stalk). I wanted to let you know that I am not the kind of person who cries easily but I found myself in tears while reading this post. Thank you for sharing what must have been a very difficult story to write. I'm so sorry to hear about your father...the Lord must have needed his strength...but am so happy that you were able to 'fill that blank' space before he passed on.

charrette said...

Hi, I followed a link from DeNae's blog, and just want to say that that speech from your bishop gave me chills...especially knowing what we know now.

I know your commitment is solid. And the blessing that come will be astounding.

L.T. Elliot said...

Came from Danae's blog and just wanted to tell you how beautiful your story is. I'm so glad you have your "paper" confimation for what you've always known. I'm so very, very happy for you.

Designs By Mikel said...

Thank you for being so honest.. and forthright with your story. I am sure it took courage to share it. So much wisom and strength is interwoven into it. It caused me to remember just what I should be so thankful for. I am so happy for you that your life is on a path your excited about.. much love to you.

Happy Mom said...

I too, clicked over here from Denae's blog.

I'm a mom who has a 24 year old son who's going down the same path that you did. Words can't express the pain and concern that my husband and I have for this sweet son.

I wish so badly that I could talk to him about it. Find out just what he thinks now about the gospel. His testimony was so vibrant, such a living, growing thing and now it seems to be... gone. If the subject is mentioned, he skitters away, so we simply try to love him and talk about other things.

You're post gave me an insight into what he could be feeling. Obviously, his feelings may be the polar opposite of yours, but to learn that it's not impossible for him to still believe, is a great comfort.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Niki :-) said...

I enjoyed this post very much. I'm curious why you felt the strong need to leave your husband? Did you try to get counseling? Were there lots of problems? Sorry, I hope I'm not prying. I'm not Mormon. I'm just a fan of a lot of blogs. And I have 4 kids, 2 from my ex husband, 2 from my husband now. So I understand divorce and remarriage, and more kids :) Loved the post, once again. ♥

Pedaling said...

thank you.
i needed to read this.
so sorry about your daddy.
i lost mine in june.
it stinks!