Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ugh!!! I Don't Wanna!!!

Theoretically, this:

Plus this:

Minus this:

Equals this:

(That's me, being happy.)

But it doesn't.

And, I can't put it off much longer. My "baby" will be three in just under 2 months. It's time I got serious about potty training him. I can't even begin to tell you how much I don't want to do this. I'm not good at it, for one thing. I potty trained Hayden right at his 3rd birthday. It took about a week. I'm pretty sure Avery potty trained herself. I'm embarrassed to admit that I have zero recollection of training her. It was during the time that I was splitting up from her dad and I honestly don't remember anything about her potty training. Maybe her grandma did it? Maybe I did it and just have blocked it from my memory? No idea. What I do know is that she doesn't wear diapers now, so it must have happened.

It doesn't matter, anyway. Because I know how to potty train a girl. I own the equipment required for pottying like a girl. It's this other equipment that has me scratching my head. In my home, the males stand to number 1. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if they sat but they don't. I know plenty of men who are quite masculine who sit to do this but, my husband refuses and so do the boys. Ok, fine.

So what do I do? I'm the primary trainer of the potty for Harley, but I sit. So he sits. But when he watches dad, he gets another lesson. I know he's going to be a stander. It's inevitable. And as long as he learns to either aim or wipe up, it's fine.

And it's not just the training I'm not looking forward to. It's the "once they're trained" thing I'm dreading, too. Because now it's a mad-dash to the restroom every single time he's got an inkling. Grocery shopping? Put down the gallon of milk, grab your purse and child and make a bee line for the bathroom. At the mall? Race to get dressed again in the fitting room, apologize to the sales girl and bolt to the nearest facility. Driving in the car? Pull over and try to convince your little one that "it's ok, it won't actually freeze and break off in the short amount of time we'll (hopefully) be out here, now try to relax and just goooo".

As if all that weren't enough pressure, I've got my mother in the background telling me she "had us all potty trained by the time we were two!!!" (One child, in particular, was exceptionally show-offy and was potty trained by the time she was seventeen months.) The oldest of my mother's children to get it done was something like 26 months. I'm pretty sure that if I was dealing with freakin' cloth diapers, I'd have them trained before they left the womb, too, but these days it's just too easy to leave them in their Huggies until they go off to college.

I know that 90% of this is going to be training me. But what are your suggestions for the other 10%? What worked best for you? What absolutely didn't work? Would you be willing to come get my boy for the next week and train him for me? I solicit any and all advice. I know this is something people have very strong opinions on this subject so feel free!!

There's going to be a lot of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, I just know it. Oh, and Harley's probably not going to like it, either.


Kristina P. said...

I'm glad you explained that was your happy face, because I would have assumed it was your serial killer face.

I think it would be totally fine for him to wait until he was 15 to be potty trained. That way, no girls will be all up on him because he still poops his pants.

DeNae said...

I'm with KP. I feel the same way about outing Santa. When they start having embarrassing conversations in the locker room, they'll go looking for answers. Until then, Santa's real and Huggies come in jumbo ginormous sizes, too.

Problem? Solved.

InkMom said...

I knew it was DeNae! I knew it! Since she's got such a greater depth of pottying experience, maybe you should let her take care of training your little one.

My sister and I have a plan for all things complicated when it comes to training your children: wait until they're too old to fail. Your first grader can't tie his shoes? No worries -- by this time, it will only take you forty-five seconds to teach him. Same for potty training, using a fork, reading, and riding a bicycle. Procrastination works!

Kazzy said...

I remember when my oldest turned 2 (stupid me) and I went out and bought all of the equipment and pretty much said, "There you go." I am an idiot that way.

Becca said...

I'm of the opinion that they've gotta want it. RIght? So if he's not excited, keep your stock in Huggies. Trust me, we all know it's easier to clean up a diaper than the alternative.

And then, when he's ready, I hear that the "aim for the cheerio floating in the toilet" trick works well for the stand-up boys. But I'm not sure why there's a cheerio floating in the toilet in the first place.

wendy said...

Oh Ambert, this was so funny. I was totally giggling.
I think potty training is so freaking hard.
WHY is it that out mothers...even MY mom, said we were potty trained by 18 months. I find that hard to believe.
Maybe that is why I am rebelling now, by piddling a little from time to time (tee,hee)
GO, seriously, go Harley.

wendy said...

I just called you Ambert....

Jillybean said...

I tried to start potty training our first when he was 18 months old. (stop laughing, I can hear you!) (no, it didn't work that young) (I said stop laughing!)
You would think that by the time we got to #4 I would have figured this stuff out, but the only thing I learned is that every kid is different.
And I really believe that if someone says that they had their kids potty trainied at a very young age, they are lying or have a serious memory problem.

Scooby and Jon said...

Hi! Coming to you from Denae's blog. Just wanted to say I comiserate. We're 2 weeks into potty training our 3 year old twin boys. Mostly, I dislike the stories of people who say "oh, my child just decided one day they wanted to be potty trained and we haven't had any accidents".
I hope it's going well for you!