Am I On Candid Camera?

Anyone been to Wal-Mart lately? It's a freak show, people! I've always known this. I've known that on my worst day I can walk in there and see a dozen people that look worse than me on their best day. It's the place to see the latest trends in pj's, slippers, greasy hair-do's, stretch marks peeking through those not-quite-long-enough t-shirts. But this weekend, was just like an out of body experience.

There was a huge woman (I don't usually judge people for being fat, because I am a FAR CRY from skinny. Besides, it rarely has anything to do with whether or not they're a good person. In fact, I'm not judging this woman for being fat. But the fact that she was overweight just drew more attention to herself.) yelling at her kids. She was so freaking loud! It was never a "come here, honey" or "don't touch, sweetie". It was "GET OVER HERE!" And, "DON'T TOUCH THAT!!!". I'm a pretty mellow, laid back person. I mostly just mind my own business. But this time I had to give her my best "crank my head around and glare" look. I'd be a huge liar if I told you I've never scolded my kids in the store. But I try to do it discreetly. I don't ever want people looking at me the way I was looking at this woman. Twice.

And have you ever noticed that you end up going in the same circles as other people? Like you run into them on every other aisle. So I got to see this charming gal every time I turned around.

So after I got done with the grocery part of my shopping I head over to the pharmacy to get some baby Tylenol. On my way I pass a woman who's talking to herself. Like full-on talking. Not just "ok, I can't forget the milk...". No, she's in a deep convo with herself. I couldn't believe my bad luck! First, a mean-talker in the grocery part and now a self-talker in the boys' clothing department. I headed over to the pharmacy fully expecting to find a leper colony! Actually, in that area it was just kinda depressing. Mostly old people shuffling along behind their carts.

The check-stand offered more entertainment, though. First, I got in line with the self-talker. (See what I mean about circles?) Then the cashier supervisor person is talking to my cashier about her (own) granddaughter. She got the part in an Aladdin play and needs a dress for a part...can't think of the name...starts with "p"...(other cashier calls out "pirate!" (Me, to myself: Really? Have you seen Aladdin?))...so I chime in, "peasant?"
Supervisor: "YES!!! Thank you! So I don't even know what a peasant would wear. What is a peasant?"
(Me, to myself: Really? And you work at Wal-Mart? Huh.)
Anyway, I explained to her that a peasant was poor and they wore kind of ruffly dresses (I guess), paid my freaking $123, and left.

Feeling much, much better about myself.

Ever SIt Yourself Down and Find the Seat is all Wet?

"Hayden?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you just go to the bathroom?"

(Real quiet) "Yeah."

"What do you think I just sat in?"

(Real quiet) "Yeah, yeah."

(Not so quiet) "What. Did. I. Just. Sit. In?"

"Pee."

"Lift up the damn seat!!!!!"

Wordless Wednesday

Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Had I not taken the picture myself I might not have believed it. This woman is in the bank drive-up on her JAZZY!!!

Tuesday Random Thoughts

OK, there's supposed to be a little linky thing but I can't figure out how to make it work. So if you want to get in on the random-ness go here. The idea is that you just say random things that weren't enough of a thought to make it on its own as a post. So here we go!

• Today I was listening to the radio in my car and I was BELTING out a song that I LOVE. Then the next song came on and I had no idea what song had just been on. Why is that? It's not the first time it's happened.
• Kristina P. mentioned "Sapped" a while ago in one of her posts and it reminded me that I like that show so I tuned in and the girl that narrates has THE MOST monotone voice ever. I can't believe she got a job using only her voice.
• I get confused watching my son at basketball practice. He hustles the least, yet requires the most drink breaks.
• How can you tell when blue cheese dressing has gone bad? It pretty much tastes and smells sour all the time.
• Harley can patty-cake on command now. Ya, it's adorable.
• The cinnamon rolls at IKEA are pretty much the most delicious thing ever. Totally worth the walk through the Bermuda Triangle just to get them. And they're cheap! Six for $4!!!
• The "flip" on my cell phone is getting loose because I flip it open four million times a day to text.
• Valentine's Day is the worst holiday ever invented. All it does is put pressure on men to do something for their wives and it makes women feel bad because their men don't do enough. Seriously! We're all comparing our "what did your husband get you?" stories. I can't be bothered.

So there you have it! Go visit Keely for all the random fun!

Flashback Frid...er...Saturday

Caution: This post contains the word "shit". A bunch.

When Tavis and I were dating we went to his shop and I saw a cute little 50cc Honda motorcycle. I'd never driven a motorcycle before so I jumped on. He had a pretty big yard behind the shop where he kept all his equipment so I rode around back there. Weaving in and out of track-hoes. Dodging dozers. It was FUN! Yes, I was extremely big for this "bike". (It's best suited for say...a 5-10 year-old) And even though I crashed into the teeny, tiny garbage dumpster I had so much fun and I couldn't stop thinking about riding that thing. I dreamed about it. I just wanted to get back on it. Tav grew up riding motorcycles and loved them. So when I showed an interest in them he jumped. We went that very weekend and he bought me my very own. (I would receive criticism from my family that he had bought me a motorcycle instead of an engagement ring.)

The bike he bought me was a 125cc. It was too small for me in size. Also, Tav knew I would outgrow it skill-wise in just a matter of time and require a bigger "cc" bike soon. Well, that spring and summer I rode the hell out of that bike. It was so much fun! I was pretty impressed with myself. I could climb hills and grab gears while doing it. I could ride down steep hills (but only if Tavis was at the bottom telling me he knew I could do it). I rode so much better if he was behind me. He was my courage. He knew my skill level as well as the capabilities of my bike and if he told me I could do something, I knew I could. He'd never lead me astray.


Eventually, I got good enough to carry a passenger. I'd put Avery on in front of me and Tav would put Hayden in front of him. They. Loved. It. And again, I was pretty good!


Now, let me just say that I did fall a few (several) times. But I've only "wrecked" maybe, 3 or 4 times and even then I just got scraped up and bruised. (Which I actually loved because it gave me bragging rights at work.) All the other times I would just dump my bike. Like just tip over. Especially in the sand or really soft dirt. These dumps didn't hurt.


So in July after Tav and I got married we went to his family's reunion. (Avery was 5 and Hayden, 7) His whole family is into ATV riding. We took Hayden and Avery on a ride one day. Like usual, I had Avery with me and Tavis had Hayden with him. (I should note that they both loved to ride with Tav because he'd go fast and make small jumps. Mom was much more cautious.) We were cruisin' along when all of a sudden we hit some sand, right on a turn. Avery and I dumped it. As we fell I said, "oh shit."

To which Avery replied, "oh shit."
I said to her, "did you just say 'shit'?"
Avery: (Looking up at me with sheer horror on her face as she realized what she just said.) (Picture "Ralphie" from "A Christmas Story")
Avery: "Uh...uh...uh...uh"
Me: "It's ok, baby girl. When you're falling off a motorcycle sometimes you gotta say, 'shit'."
Avery: (WHEW!!!!) "hahaha."
Tavis and Hayden: "A ha ha ha!!!"

So we pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off and I pick up my bike. Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with motorcycles, (yes, my family, I'm talking to you) but when your bike tips over gas spills out of the top of the gas cap. I know this is some kind of safety feature but I'm not sure why. Anyway, I get back on and get Avery back on with me and she looks down and sees the gas on the gas tank, right in front of her.


Avery: "Now what's all this hellin' gas doin' on here?"
Me: "BAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! OK, munchkin. First of all, clean up the talk. Second of all, if you're gonna cuss you need to have it make sense. It's what's all this damn (I wasn't going to go into the other swear word option) gas doing on here?"


That's the end of the flashback. I should wrap it up by saying that I did outgrow that bike. In every way possible. Tav got me an enduro (off road as well as street legal) that is 200cc. I loved riding it around town. But on one trip to the canyon I got spooked because I almost got hit by a van on a dirt road. So the next time we went riding I was nervous which makes for squirly riding. Avery and I were on my bike again and we dumped it. This time, however, we were on a steep hill with jagged rocks and we got pretty banged up. I rode back to camp and have never taken my bike off road again. Of course, I was pregnant during part of that time and then had a newborn last summer so I really couldn't go anyway. I've lost my nerve, though. Tav's building us a dune buggy that will be done this spring. I'll drive that around with Harley and Avery. Tavis, Hayden and Dalton will ride their bikes. (Hayden rides the 50cc I spoke of four days ago at the beginning of this post) I seriously can't wait til summer!!!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Sold! In less than an hour! (This is Hayden's bed. We've coddled him long enough. It's time he slept on the hard-wood floor.) (I'm kidding. We sold his bed so we could get a smaller one to make room for Harley's crib in his room.) (Am I ready for Harley to be out of my room???) (I made that quilt.) (I also painted those walls. And those "cats"? Not stickers. I painted them, too. All by hand. All by myself.) (Yeah.)

I put all that in "( )" so it would still be wordless. Things in "( )" don't count as words.

Free-Be (how many e's are in that "word"?)

This morning when my alarm went off at 7:28 I hit the snooze button. Nine minutes later, I hit it again. Nine minutes after that, I hit it again. Finally, at 7:46 I turned off my alarm and laid back down for "just a few more minutes". At 8:05 I sat bolt upright and said, "aw crap!" My kids need to leave at a certain time in order to catch the bus, so when I realized they weren't going to have enough time I just figured I'd drive them to school. Giving us 20 extra minutes to get ready. So we leave for school 15 minutes before it starts.

As we head down the hill I don't notice the lack of traffic. At the bottom of the hill, where the school is, I do notice the lack of flashing yellow lights by the cross-walk. Which was also missing something...a crossing guard. There were no kids walking down the street. No kids on the playground. No buses. No notice on the marquee saying anything about school being out. No one answering the phone in the office when I call to see what the heck is up. I drive to the other elementary school down the road from ours and see their marquee..."no school Feb. 2nd". Huh.

No kids. No bus. No cars. No school? Yep.

Turns out it's the end of the term and the teachers were having their prep day. Or as my sister, Jill, likes to call it "teacher lazy-ass day". (Sorry, Kim. Those are her words. Not mine.)(Kim's a teacher.)

You know that feeling when you wake up and you're all panicked because the sun is way too high in the sky and you know you're going to be late for work but then...you realize...it's Saturday?!?! That had to be what my kids felt this morning. Avery wasn't convinced at first, though. As I sat there in the parking lot I said to them, "I don't think there's school today."

Kids: "Ya right. Bye mom!"
Me: "No really. Look around. Where are all the kids? Where are the buses? Where are all the cars? (There were a few cars but only about half the normal amount.) I just called the office and no one answered."
Avery: "You have to be patient, mama."
Me: "Avery, I called twice."
Hayden: "Maybe we're late."
Me: "No, we're ten minutes early."
Avery: "Well, why don't we just go in and see if there are any kids in there and if there's not, we'll call you and you can come back and get us."
Me: "No, munchkin, I'm pretty sure there's no school today. That other school is out and we're always on the same schedule as they are."
Hayden: (Turning back-flips in the back seat.)
Avery: "Why don't we try calling my teacher?"
Me: "Avery, we're going home. There's no school today."
Avery: (Finally!!!) "Wooo-hooo!!!"
Me: "Sheesh! We could have slept in!"
Hayden: "I'm going back to sleep when we get home!" (which he didn't, of course)

It was a fun day. I wasn't even bugged by the fact that I couldn't watch my DVR'd stuff. No one was pretending to be sick so I didn't have those rules to enforce. It was just chill. We even watched HSM 2, which was brutal, but I survived.

These days are so rare with my babies and I just loved it!