What The Aitch Ee Double Toothpick?

Yesterday, Harley and I had been at the store. He knows that when we're done, he can ride the Dumbo thing outside. Parked in front of the Dumbo were two children's bikes. This is a picture of one of them.

Now I ask you: What's wrong with this picture?

Ugh!!! I Don't Wanna!!!

Theoretically, this:

Plus this:

Minus this:

Equals this:

(That's me, being happy.)

But it doesn't.

And, I can't put it off much longer. My "baby" will be three in just under 2 months. It's time I got serious about potty training him. I can't even begin to tell you how much I don't want to do this. I'm not good at it, for one thing. I potty trained Hayden right at his 3rd birthday. It took about a week. I'm pretty sure Avery potty trained herself. I'm embarrassed to admit that I have zero recollection of training her. It was during the time that I was splitting up from her dad and I honestly don't remember anything about her potty training. Maybe her grandma did it? Maybe I did it and just have blocked it from my memory? No idea. What I do know is that she doesn't wear diapers now, so it must have happened.

It doesn't matter, anyway. Because I know how to potty train a girl. I own the equipment required for pottying like a girl. It's this other equipment that has me scratching my head. In my home, the males stand to number 1. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if they sat but they don't. I know plenty of men who are quite masculine who sit to do this but, my husband refuses and so do the boys. Ok, fine.

So what do I do? I'm the primary trainer of the potty for Harley, but I sit. So he sits. But when he watches dad, he gets another lesson. I know he's going to be a stander. It's inevitable. And as long as he learns to either aim or wipe up, it's fine.

And it's not just the training I'm not looking forward to. It's the "once they're trained" thing I'm dreading, too. Because now it's a mad-dash to the restroom every single time he's got an inkling. Grocery shopping? Put down the gallon of milk, grab your purse and child and make a bee line for the bathroom. At the mall? Race to get dressed again in the fitting room, apologize to the sales girl and bolt to the nearest facility. Driving in the car? Pull over and try to convince your little one that "it's ok, it won't actually freeze and break off in the short amount of time we'll (hopefully) be out here, now try to relax and just goooo".

As if all that weren't enough pressure, I've got my mother in the background telling me she "had us all potty trained by the time we were two!!!" (One child, in particular, was exceptionally show-offy and was potty trained by the time she was seventeen months.) The oldest of my mother's children to get it done was something like 26 months. I'm pretty sure that if I was dealing with freakin' cloth diapers, I'd have them trained before they left the womb, too, but these days it's just too easy to leave them in their Huggies until they go off to college.

I know that 90% of this is going to be training me. But what are your suggestions for the other 10%? What worked best for you? What absolutely didn't work? Would you be willing to come get my boy for the next week and train him for me? I solicit any and all advice. I know this is something people have very strong opinions on this subject so feel free!!

There's going to be a lot of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, I just know it. Oh, and Harley's probably not going to like it, either.

In Which I Get Over Myself

On Tuesday a guy came and posted a flier on my door. It said they'd be working on the sewer something-or-other thing on Thursday (today) and not only did we need to make sure our vehicles were off the street by 6:30 AM but starting at 7:00 AM we'd be without water. For ten-twelve hours. TEN to TWELVE HOURS!!!! Now, I don't know about you but to me, that's all freaking day!!! I quickly called Tavis to tell him of this ridiculous thing but he didn't answer. So my next best thing was to fire off a text to my bestie and tell her the city of Pleasant Grove actually expects me to go all day without water.

"How can they ask that of people?" Say, I. "I have a child! How can I go all day without water when I have a CHILD???" I asked. "Why can't they work on it for a few hours one day, and a few hours the next day?" I whined. "This is inSANE! They can't do this to people!"

Her reply? "Well, just hope none of you has to go #2." (True, dat!)

"But what about the toilet paper from #1? Just throw it away? GROSS!!"

And then I went to check my email.

And by so doing, I had to see MSN's home page.

Where I saw that thousands of people in Japan had been without water for almost a week. With no end in sight for some places. And as I lamented over my horrible misfortune and I thought maybe I should go spend the day in Stansbury with my sister, I saw that thousands of people didn't have a home anymore. Didn't have a job because the factory where the work has been destroyed. My biggest complaint was that my family wasn't going to be able to shower or flush the toilet for twelve hours and yet there are thousands of people who are still looking for members of their family.

So last night I filled up several pans of water and set them out so I wouldn't have to suffer without water today.

And then I got the hell over myself.

Actual Conversation. Again.

While Harley took a bath the other day, his toy fell out of the tub and this conversation happened.) (I know this is two "actual conversations" in a row. Sorry.)

Harley: Mama, my toy fell.

Me: Oh, darn it.

Harley: Darn it.....dammit.

Me: Buddy, don't say "dammit".

Harley: Ok, darn it....don't say "oh man?"

Me: Yes, you can say "oh man."

Harley: Ok...Oh man!!!

Actual Conversation

(Harley and I ate lunch with my mom on Tuesday((MY BIRTHDAY!!)). After dropping her off back at work, this conversation took place.)

Harley: Where's grandma's dad?

Me: Uh...he's with Jesus.

Harley: Huh???

Me: He's in heaven with Jesus.

Harley: I want my Baby Jesus.

I freaking LOVE this kid.

It's The Little Things

For the past week we've been dealing with the flu. Full on, swab the brain through the nose, diagnosed Influenza A. My little Harley.

You've never seen such a sad little boy. His eyes have been droopy. His voice has been so hoarse. He's been laying around. My typically non-complaintive baby has been super whiny. But still very sweet. He's had fevers as high as 103.5. We've bought Popsicles, push-pops, ice cream, apple juice, cranberry juice, Pedialyte. We've spent $30 for a new Vicks brand humidifier. $10 for a tub toy (What? He's sick and he wanted it. What was I supposed to say? No?? I didn't think so.). $50 for a prescription for Tamiflu. We've had more medicine end up on his shirt than in his tummy.

But today. Today he peed through his diaper and onto my sheets. And while this is usually very annoying because it means more laundry for me, today I'm grateful. It means his body isn't absorbing every single drop of fluid we put into it. He's not having a fever anymore. His nose is still a faucet. He's still coughing.

But today we had a very wet diaper and for that, I'm grateful. My lil' boy is on the mend.

How Close Was It?

To ending up in the toilet?

(Harley runs off with my phone all the time. I was scrolling through my pictures last night and came across this one.)